she told me i tasted like america
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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