3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
