He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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