Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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