remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
