69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
