I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
