Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
