Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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