Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
