my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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