Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
