YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
