So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
