Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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