If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
