The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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