You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
