guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
