I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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