I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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