piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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