meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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