i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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