Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
