So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
