Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He did a backflip because drugs
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