The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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