You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
