Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize