I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
