She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
