all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
