Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
