Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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