my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
