Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
