I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
