Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize