It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
