he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
