the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
