i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
