What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize