Have you finally orgasmed yet?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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