im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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