I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
