I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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