Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
sarcasm needs its own font
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
