i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
