that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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