My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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