Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
