i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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