mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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