What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
