I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
