you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
