Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize