I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
